So I’m sitting here tired of just about every contemplation that tempts my mind to gear into motion. Unable to find myself I look around, not inside, for that ball of yarn can be threaded through and work itself out. In viewing this room I notice how utterly sloppy my friends and I are. We seem to just not care about where the placement of things might go. Although in the end they seem to find their stuff, whereas myself, I can’t find a damned thing unless I have a note of scripture on my body.

Sometimes out of misery people do not take care of themselves and as a result life shoots them down like an arrow to wood. Splinters that fly in every direction stab their friends without any hesitation and make the ones they love just as miserable as them. Only in rare occasions does anger and obsession usually take the place of all this when one just doesn’t feel the same love back. These were once within a friend of mine who just lost it and wanted her back, he just needs to give her space and be her friend.

There was once a person whom I never knew, she seemed to me just as hurt as I was. Though her life is different we had once gone after the same person and now feel it to be futile. Her story seems at times worse then mine, and journeying along that withered path of dirt can seem to hinder her own work. She thinks that she’s not as good as everyone else, what she doesn’t realize is that she has talent and just need to practice to make her work breathe.

I wonder how sometimes people can lie to themselves about who they are. Closeted individuals that wander about rolling their heads at anything pretty they see but can never touch because they’re afraid of losing something. They’re afraid of what might be, what can happen, and what may be gained from experiencing something wonderful. It’s like being a pack mule, carrying burdens or temptations their backs until one day realizing that life is not what they expected.

Now I seem to be distant on the horizon sitting on it as if it were something actually feasible. Although I doubt we’ll get to cleaning tonight I do have to pack my life away within the shroud that looms over me. No more running, no more games, and no more decisions without thinking of the consequences it places on others. I have to be responsible, to take my place within society, to understand myself better, and to decide my own fate. To make my home here within Pittsburgh, not fail, get a job freelancing most likely, work on tattoo designs, make my own fine art, and to tell myself to not give up hope.

To dream is to die, to make that dream is to live!